All I Want For Christmas

I don't really want much for Christmas, mostly because the things I want are things I need and can probably get for myself. Other things that I want, Im fairly certain I can go without if I don't need them. But in the spirit of the season and for the purpose of organizing my own thoughts as to what I should get me when I get some cash coming in, here is my holiday list:

1. makeup. im quite attracted to mineral makeup now so i look forward to being able to try a nice a set of those for everyday.

2. get my dog pregnant. hopefully, i'll find a nice stud who can get my baby girl pregnant. i want puppies!

3. laptop bag. the last decent (and fun!) laptop bag i had broke already from wear and tear. i tried to substitute an ordinary messenger bag for it was too small for all my stuff so im using the one i got free when i got my laptop. it's big, black and boring. i want something bigger and cuter (maybe in red?).

4. shoes. im between a 5.5. and a 6. i think i should replenish my shoes already because some of them are worn out and should be replaced. im also now open to sporting flats so that's something new.

5. a magic jack. i'd like to call my boyfriend who works in the US as often as i want for zilch.

6. victoria's secret body butter in my desire. i like that scent.

7. spa gcs. id really like to have a body scrub, massage, facial and foot spa every month. all in the efforts of building up my beauty regimen a year before our wedding.

8. weeds dvd season 1 and 2. how i met your mother season 1 to current. frasier complete set. entourage season 1 to current.

9. clothes for my size. cute tops, a nice pair of jeans, couple of jackets.

10. a vintage lv shoulder bag. i like the old classic monogram style.

listen...

going to the chapel and we're gonna get _______....

ONE LOVE

Yuck feeling Mary J. Blige ako!

Anyway, it's been a week since my birthday. I had dinner with some friends, lunch with my officemates, a small dinner with dad and bro (family dinner pending til this weekend to celebrate mine and my mom's birthday) and a day wearing my maxi dress with laurence. I know what you're thinking... me in a maxi dress?! but hey, it was my birthday and it felt good.

So i got a nice dress from kim, a bag charm and a clutch from simon, spa gcs from arbie, flowers from marwin and laurence, earrings from chesca, a top from don, perfume from jen and a couple of other knicknacks and im 27. im personally grateful for all the material things that i got but im more glad that more people remembered. my brother and some friends always joke that i only have a few friends so i cant afford to piss off anyone anymore, but i think that the ones on my speed dial are gonna be around for a long time. hey, i know how to pick them. they're usually a wee bit desperate. kidding!

it feels odd to say this again, but 10 years ago, i seriously thought i'd be more kick-ass in my 20s, let alone in my late 20s. im probably as kick-ass as i possibly can be but i always thought i'd be more. some days i feel old and tired but most days, i still feel good about where i am. part of it is because i tend to sometimes look back at some stuff that's happened to me and i wonder where my life would be if i had stayed at another job, with another guy, or if i never moved from the pit that was my life a few months ago. then i feel good that as surprising the turnout of events were, i like that i learn and i go on. life is still good.

one love people. one love.

For my birthday...

I want these things:

1. Chocolate Buffet at Mandarin Oriental
2. Walking Tour of Manila (with Carlos Celdran)
3. Trip to Boracay
4. A new digicam/cellphone (Im just a bit tired of what I have now so a new one couldnt hurt!)
5. Clothes, Shoes, Makeup... as in take me shopping!
6. Dog stuff like treats, toys and maybe a cute shirt for my leila
7. Lindt Mint Chocolates
8. DVDs ng mga series na na-miss ko (gusto ko ng entourage season 4!)
9. spa treatments
10. a whole day off with my books, dvds, chips, chocolates and yes, a tub of coke zero!

Atenista ako!

The last time we won the championship, i was still a college student. It was also an Ateneo-LaSalle match. I was lucky enough to score tickets then. As soon as we won, everyone rushed back to Ateneo for the impromptu cheer party at the Bellarmine field.

Im so proud of our team this year, not because I feel the same fondness and nostalgia for the "kids" who bring home the prize for the school as most alumni feel, but because it means so much for us to win after thirsting for it for so long. I love being an Atenean. It gave me a sense of belongingness that I still feel now when I meet people in the workplace. If anyone should ask me what the best gift I ever got was, it was the fact that my parents got me here. College was fun. :)

last night...

my mom and i went to mass in padre pio in libis. sobrang daming tao. grabe!

bless all of us. we could all use a little healing in our lives.

overdue

i've never been to new york. but if i should ever be there, i hope to come when the US Open is playing.


***********************************************************************************


im a staunch fan of rafael nadal. don't get me wrong, i love me some federer but nadal just takes this sport to its true level: game. federer, for all his talent and skills, border on prissy for me. his outfits are impeccable and his stance so royal. perfect, i assume, for such a country club sport. after all, tennis is the gentleman's game. oh but nadal... for all his good looks and disarming aura, nadal never fails to entertain. his muscles bulge against the thin fabric of his clothes. his fashion may be considered boring -- what, with capri pants, sleeveless tee, bandana and the occassional jacket -- but it's completely different from the sea of loose shirts, shorts and cap in the circuit. the new yorker sums it up nicely: roger federer represents swiss precision but rafael nadal is pure majorcan passion.


the spaniard took many amzing highs this year: his win at the french open, his nailbiting win at wimbledon (where, i might add, i shed a few tears of joy), and his gold at the olympics. the boy's a star and im fairly certain he was exhausted by the time the US Open rolled around. he fought the good fight but even rafa admits that andy murray definitely outplayed him. too bad, though. everyone was hoping for a nadal-federer finale. everyone, perhaps except roger himself after losing the french open, the crushing defeat at wimbledon and to top it off, handing over the top spot in the atp. jokesters theorized that roger's win at the US Open was due to the unwavering support of roger's secret other half to his may-december affair... no, not Mirka, who he says is the love of is life... but Anna Wintour, perpetual fan, friend and fashion ally. I personally can't imagine Nadal in the arms of Wintour. His unkempt curly locks might actually put a look of disdain in her expressionless, over-botoxed face. I'd pay to get a photo of that.


I love Nadal. I love how his energy seems to come from a well within him that drives him to win. He does many things that show power. His strokes are precise, he moves and twists his body midair to hit the racquet, he grunts like a madman and very rarely smiles as he plays. in fact, the lack of expression in his face makes him very hard to read. when he seems to be struggling, you won't see a look of worry in his eyes. when he seems to be winning, he doesn't carry a smug look in his face. all there is is sheer intensity. for a guy with such a strong, hard physique, i love how he moves and maneuvers himself in positions ballet dancers should be doing. Nadal is primal power at its finest.


Which is why I love the US Open. In Wimbledon, the players all look so glamorous and even in the heat of the sun and the hard rain, even the audience are all poised and serious. I imagine they all speak with a pompous british accent, drinking tea while making stirring comments about a certain bloke's tennis prowess and preference for burberry accessories. The US Open audience are engaged. They are dressed down to jeans and shirts, with some fanatics even going shirtless donning body paint ( I saw this in the match between rafael nadal and mardy fish). They loudly cheer for their bet like in football. they are racuous at times. i love it. sports whould be enjoyed like that. As this is already an utterly gratuitous entry about my rafa-worship, i shall post one of my favorite nadal photos of recent times. Ladies (and a few gentlemen who might care), the world number one (in tennis and in my heart):

*sigh*

how about you, dear? who's your favorite athlete and why?

TV JUNKIE

im currently downloading (shh!) new episodes of season 2 of gossip girl. and it takes up a ridiculous amount of my energy as i debate whether i love chuck bass more this season or if serena is now my favorite character. Note: Rufus Humphrey is still hotttt!!!

im also watching one tree hill season 5. ooohhh bartenders are always delicious!

and then there are reruns of friends, frasier, sex and the city and will and grace. i also love watching entourage. i still think i could be ari gold!

i really should get out more.

please

let me warn you now. this is going to be a long and emotional post.


yesterday, my brother lost one of his friends. needless to say, my brother is devastated by the loss and the trickle effect has begun. my mom was deeply saddened for the parents who have lost a child. i know she knows the depth of a mother's love and can never imagine the anguish they must face as they go through this tragedy. i feel for the friends who have lost their comrade. when life is a battlefield, to lose one of the soldiers is a cut that runs deep. it leaves empty gaping wounds that bleed everyday -- a reminder of a life cut short, way before its due.


i am tremendously overwhelmed by this senseless tragedy. i am sorry that i have to be witness to 5 suicides of people i know. it's painful for me each and every time. i wish there was more that could have been done for those in despair. at this point, i truly believe that therapy and medication have its own merits. i wish i could find a way to make help more accessible to those who need it. perhaps there is no better time than now to find a way to reach out to someone who suffers from the grips of depression and lead them to the proper help. depression is a serious illness and there should be no stigma against people who suffer from this. emotional pain is just as horrible as physical pain, if not more.


in another blog entry (in another channel) i wrote about the betrayal of the mind and body. ive always lived in fear of having a terminal illness. i find that even the most resilient spirits can still crumble in heartbreaking fashion when faced with a body that fails to move forward. i think of people who fight cancer and wonder where they get their strength and the faith to withstand the pain. they are heroes who fight a battle that rage within them, a fight between the will to live and surrender to death. and then i wonder about those whose bodies are perfectly well but whose minds and spirits slowly wither away until all hope is extinguished. when life beats you up and mind and your spirit choose to retire, in this battle, death often wins.


suicides actually comprise a huge chunk of deaths every year. and the attempts are even greater in number. it is estimated that there are 20 million failed suicide attempts in a year. do we really want to make this number greater? more than the grief that comes with the loss, those who are left behind by a suicide victim suffer trauma, anger, remorse, and guilt. the repercussions often leave the bereaved helpless, in constant emotional pain and a crippling inability to move beyond the death. i know this because ive survived 3 suicides from people i know and have been close to. while i never knew this boy well, i know him from the stories i've heard and the fact that his life seemed to be so similar to people i know, make this death as painful as the others. feelings i thought were long buried when my friends passed resurfaced and i struggle now to find ways to stifle this grief and to heal. and this is just me, a stranger to this boy in many ways, a third party observer.


what do i say to comfort those left behind when i found no answers for myself when faced with the same loss? how do i tell them that life will be better later on when there are no assurances good enough? how do i lie? i was so sad yesterday when my mom said that every parent's dream for her child is to see him grow up, finish school, become successful and have their own families. these dreams will no longer be realized when a 20 year old boy dies. more than that, i cannot even begin to fathom if acceptance will ever become a possibility. it shouldn't be that we settle for far less and have our parents' dream that their child merely survives this life. we should all be so lucky and dare to go further than that. let us dream for each other a peaceful and happy life, steady jobs that pay well, beautiful grandchildren for our parents, more new things to discover, more experiences to share with each other. let us all live for as long as we can, as wonderfully as we can. we live in a world where brotherhood and fraternity is more pronounced, where it is easy to commune with someone from another part of the world. let us reach out and make sure that anyone who suffers from depression and loneliness know that there is always another hand to connect with, there is always an ear willing to listen. let us make each others' lives worth saving and our own worth living.

perfect

i had the perfect morning. i had an alcohol-free friday night and a schedule-free saturday morning. i woke up at 8am, played with my dogs for a bit and had breakfast. afterwards, i went back to bed and curled up with a book. i haven't had a day like this in a while. im so happy.

=)

buy u a drank

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4TKeJRraVo

hay nako! kung si jesse mccartney pwede maging ghetto, dapat pwede din ako!

medyo mahal ko na sya. shhh. secret natin!

oh come on

how do you not fall in love with that itty bitty little kitty?

well, my dad wasn't happy when i tried to save a little kitty from my prowling dogs (give them a break, it's animal instinct!) and the monster cat bit my hands. bled for a bit but it was okay. the cat seemed happy to be out of my dog's line of sight. i even gave her some food. but my dad was not happy.

neither was my brother who seem to detest having had to deal with all the hullaballoo over a cat. he didnt even want to touch the darned kitty.

most of all, my mom was not happy that she had to cough up some money for my tetanus shots, antibiotics and succeeding consultations. nice.

what a way to spend sunday night. if i still don't become catwoman a la michelle pfeifer or halle berry by tomorrow, im going to scream.

chase

why do we want what we cannot have?

it's amazing how i never come up with a good enough answer for that question inspite of the many many times i've wondered and pondered. i always seem to like that chase, that feeling of almost having it in your hands and yet not having it at all. i know a lot of people --particularly those that choose to venture beyond the world of the dreamer -- who would say that almost never ever counts at the end of the day. i know they are right, but it's the adrenaline of working for a goal and not making it that drives me even more. i like the idea that i get a taste of what it would be like to have it. but just a taste, a small and meaningless graze to my senses, never enough to satiate.

best i can do to describe it: walking to a louie vuitton store and checking out the bags. you put them on on your arm and walk around with it. you instantly know that it'll go great with pretty much every single outfit you own. it's love at first sight. but then you put it back to the case. the day is over and you leave without it. sometimes the dream is enough to satisfy.

im not talking about a bag. but you get what im saying?

have you ever felt like that?

how i spent my friday night

i don't have actual photos of the event. but i will say that jon avila is ridiculously hot.

please can i have some of that? i'll even have seconds too.

bench denim (who cares about the denim?) and underwear (ive never seen more briefs in one night) show was great.

so...
jon avila.

how was your friday night?

hmmm...

went to mocha blends with friends last night. we were laughing like crazy. i swear there's something creepy and sad about a dark mall.

closing time:

diba?

what do you think?

im not fat! im "LAYERED"!

deep deep down, there's a hot girl inside me with a 24 inch waistline and vavavoom figure. right now, she's just layered by an extra layer of fat... All the better to eat you with. My my.

this is the reason why im so effing layered:

and this:

this too:

laugh trip yung mukha ko sa last pic! hahaha!

thanks to my friends who consistently take me out for nice dinners and great conversations every weekend. Mahal ko kayo!

WOOT WOOT!!!!

i got my new car today!

everybody sing: WHOOT THERE IT IS!!! WHOOT THERE IT IS!!!

pics to follow.

last goodbye

i was in college when i first got him. such a beauty. i really liked the independence that having my own car provided me. i didnt have to rely on anyone to drive me places, i didnt have to commute anymore which provided me much respite from the chaos -- and the then confusion of the katipunan-aurora intersection that didnt yet have that foot bridge, i could actually stay in school and hang out with friends later than 6pm (my parents didnt want me to commute in the evening and getting a ride was hard). what joy it brought me to finally be able to break free from all those conditions!

i have some fond memories in the car:

* the first day i drove the car unaccompanied, my dad was out of town and my mom said i could knock myself out driving. i accidentally hit a red van and the owner was kind enough to wave me off. however it left a small red spot on the hood of my car. my mom and i spent the afternoon removing that stain with *gasp* nail polish remover! my dad never found out. thanks mom!

* my brother was still in high school then and was quite busy with after school activities. i would sometimes pick him up and we would go home together. sometimes, his friends would hitch a ride with us. when my then cheating lousy ass boyfriend broke my heart, i would drive over to the high school department to pick them up and the boys would console me with encouraging words. i felt so loved and so cared for.

* i worked briefly for a call center. i remember my mom running after me as i left the house at 1am to go to work calling out that she would be okay if i left that job. apparently, she was getting too stressed from the reversed schedule. my pride made me stay on that job for 5 more months until i fell asleep behind the wheel and i hit a parked jeep. thank god it was rush hour so i wasnt speeding at all. my resignation was delivered the following week.

* i moved to a job at an office that was closer to my home. i fell in love yet again. and once again, it was a mistake. he hit me and i could only tell you that my car became my strength, my rock and literally, my protective angel as it received many physical blows meant for me.

there are many many more stories that this page couldnt keep track of all of them. i can tell you this much, however. while i've never been much of a car afficionado, i quickly fell in love with iggy. he became the friend i never thought i had. much like the tin man, he was made of hardened steel,but he needed no one to give him a heart. he had one already when he took on the role of my guardian and ally. we sold him to a good home three weeks ago. i miss him already and the emptiness in his garage right outside my window is but a constant reminder of his departure.

my dad said that it's time for a change. and what a change it is. i guess he left me at the best time as today i get my new car (im christening him robbie, i think). before i commence with the celebratory welcome for my new partner, i want to give one last shout out to iggy, my suzuki vitara, my comrade in arms, my guardian, my friend and my rock. make better memories with your new mom. i know that ive become smarter not just as a car owner and as a driver but as a daughter, a sister, a friend and a person because of all the times we've had.

Cheers IGGY! And a final goodbye!

pure love

have you ever loved as much as i love her? *sigh*

she's the prettiest thing i've ever laid eyes on. just thought it would be perfect for my first post.